To the boy in my Brit Lit and Grammer classes which I have never spoken to:
I'm so into you. You're beard kills me; it breaks my heart. I don't want to date you. I want to be your female best friend that gets to sit next to you while watching movies. I'll help you pick out a new sweater; it'll look great because, well, because I have great taste. I know you like Chuck Palenhuick books and Communism; that's enough for me. I find you adorable, like a potential little brother. A partner in crime. I imagine that you like foreign films, spanish ones. We'd drive the 3 hours to Minneapolis just to catch the new flick by the director of Amorres Perros, I don't remember his name, but you do. The whole ride there we listen to Cake and talk about our Brit Lit class and how the prof's suspenders always fall down. I say that I hate the republican girl in class and you laugh at my admission. You tell me not to worry because you're a moderate and for some reason I'm not apalled. I tell you that I voted for an independent candidate for governor. We both laugh.
You see the sticky thing is that I don't even know you. I've created what you may be like in my mind just because I find you attractive in this Sage Francis/Kevin Smith kind of way. Maybe in real life you're a jerk. Maybe you hate foriegn film and loud chubby women. Perhaps you're writing me a letter that you never intend to give me about you being my new male best friend. I think it's better the way it is. I probably like you better in my mind. If I told you I liked you, maybe you'd just tell me I'm overweight and kick me in the knee; you just never know. Tomorrow I'm going to glance at you and half smile, if you reciprocate all my feelings just ignore me and say nothing.
The Chubby Brunette in your classes that always has something to say
I don't feel like putting everything together into an interesting narrative today so i'm just going to list what is going on in my life. Everyone ready?:
*Midterm tomorrow in American Lit, I know I'm going to do fine, but important tests always manage to freak me out. I convince myself I don't know as much as I think I do.
*I've skipped the majority of my classes this week, for some reason I can't get out of bed in the mornings. I feel kind of slothy and only interested in what's on cable television.
*I don't yet have a halloween costume yet, i'm tossing ideas around in my head but nothing seems to be panning out. It's so hard to find afforable costume ideas, I mean I can spend money with the best of them when it comes to clothes, but a costume I'll only wear once seems a little ridiculous to blow money I don't have on. Also I'm not really the costume type, I'd much rather just wear my own clothes.
*I feel kind of blah, it's this semi sick feeling, where I know nothing is probably wrong with me, but I keep convincing myself that it's lukemia or some kind of horrible disease. I have chapped lips and I'm convinced I'm dying.
*This weekend is going to blow my socks off, because I get to see matt and v and sage francis, and spend time with Niki and Mullen, and do so many fun things, but the weekend seems so far away...i feel like it's never coming.
*Also everything Brent does I feel like he's being mean to me, which he probably is.
So that's it..my boring update.
It's my birthday ya'll...my parents just surprised me with breakfast, which may not sound that surprising but you have to factor in the idea that my parents live three and a half hours away. They got in the car at three this morning just to drive here, give me some muffins, coffee and orange juice, eat breakfast and then drive back home. That is what unconditional love looks like. I'm so fucking lucky. I have two exams today however, but I'm ready for both. Bring on the day, because I have a feeling today is going to be a good one.
oh man, how do you pay any attention to school when your birthday is right around the corner? I'm going crazy. I don't really have anything to update about...umm, I found out online today that Andy Milonokis is actually like 29 years old, Brent didn't believe me, but he has a hormonal condition that just makes him look like a chubby little twelve year old...the show is a lot less funny now...i mean how would you ever get laid, I feel bad for him. also, yesterday Brent caught me singing Gloria Estefan in the shower. I was belting out 1,2,3,4 Come on Baby say you love me! when over my singing I heard him laughing hysterically. I was totally embarassed. I'm going to watch Blues Brother's without eating a cheese cake. I'm missing my cousin Niki...we got to get together this weekend some time. And Mullen, as always, Put Your Lighters Up!
i'm loving things right now.
RED EYE IS BACK! Ever since I got my new medicine it seemed that eventually I would go back to having regular eyes, but I spilled diet coke on my new pillow and was forced back into using my old pillow, and I wake up this morning. RED EYE. So after feeling really bad for myself, I'm at least happy to know that whatever has been screwing me over has something to do with this loud pillow I have that's covered in stars. I'm keeping that fucking pillow as far away from me as humanly possible.
Despite the obvious trama of red eye being back, I'm having an alright day, which is funny since I woke up at twelve and I really haven't had much of a day at all yet. But I'm going to Pamida to buy a new mirror and a new pillow....and possibly a magazine of no literary or emotional value, and I'm going to toss myself into the world of reading for sugar coated pleasure. Mollie is doing the dishes really loudly which usually means she's pissed off about something but happily enough I'm not emotionally involved so keep slamming those dishes away hun, because I don't care. i've also been writing, more than usual. I had kind of faded off because it felt like I had nothing to say anymore. but for some reaosn I'm ready now to keep up what i've been working on. it would also be nice to have some of my files from home here at my disposal so I could continue to work on some pieces I started over the summer but the last time i was home I completely forgot about them. oh well.
alright, i'm going to go take a shower and then get my day started. today's a good day but i've heard tell that i better start making a list and checking it twice because nikmullclause is coming to town and frankly i've been naughty.
lonely is one of those feelings that i hate, and one that I only seem to feel at night. brent is sleeping two feet away from me. it's only eleven at night. i have one hundred pages of reading left in this book called Hope Leslie, that is not on sparknotes.com, I checked. my roommates are out at the bar. go figure. they invited me, but i can't go because i'm not old enough. it's funny to feel that way. the last time I didn't feel old enough was when my mom wouldn't let me ride my bike around the block when I was seven. i thought i was old enough then, and I still do now. it's not even like i want to drink, it would just be nice to be somewhere right now, with music, and people. i'm listening to lifter puller, and I'm distracted by how much the lead singer sounds like coyote shivers from Empire Records....i like this song, Back in Blackbeard. five minutes have lapsed since the last sentence I just wrote, I was debating in my mind if you would die from drinking an entire bottle of soy sauce, because sometimes after i've eaten to much it makes me feel like my stomach is going to explode. i wonder if there is a warning on the bottle. i wish you were here, that metaphorical you that could mean anyone that would want to listen at this exact moment, to what I'm not sure, just anything that came to my mind, just so i wouldn't have to feel like it's just me. headphones help. the computer screen is blurry to me because Brent has it turned up so bright, it's kind of like staring at the sun. i better get back to readin, schools in progress and i hate feeling like i'm the only kid in the class who didn't do the reading, sitting guiltily on my hands feeling like everyone in the room can see that i'm not prepared. it's like a big neon light blinks above my head on those days that says, "Ask me, I've got nothing to contribute because instead of doing the reading i sat on my futon and felt bad for myself", now that i think about it that's probably too long for a sign.
I'm set on staying in my pajamas all day today.
I don't feel like getting dressed.
Especially since I have 200 pages to read in a book for American Lit, granted I'm liking the book, but I have tons of other shit I should be doing. Like buying a new full length mirror, since Brent broke mine into a thousand pieces. Other than that, school is great, I'm actually meeting some cool new people that I didn't know previously and Brent and I have been getting along amazingly. The world is a strange place sometimes. I've also been writing so get ready to be recieving some of my new pieces in your emails.
i'm going to send a postcard to postsecret.com and it will probably be something along the lines of...no wait, it's going to be a fucking secret so why would I tell it here. but you can bet that if it's selected to go online i'm going to tell everyone which one is mine. just cause i love the limelight.
back in Morris, just chilling in between classes. it's been a good day, partly because I'm really diggin my outfit today. have you ever noticed how much that can change a day? my day could suck but if I'm feeling hot it seems like nothing can stand in my way. i'm actually getting in the radio station to look around at the new c.d.'s and get back in the swing of things, hopefully i'll be on the air by friday.
the weather here is beautiful. it's cool yet sunny which has always been my favorite kind of weather. i still have a lot of homework to do but i'm catching up. the reading in my American Lit class is actually interesting so i'm tearing through it pretty fast. speaking of that class, today we had to go around the room and say whether or not we liked the book we are reading, so it start with, "Yeah, I'm actually digging this book right now..." and then continue on about the narrative, metaphor, etc. boring English stuff I won't bother you with, but I was totally surprised when a bunch of people laughed at the fact that I said I dug the book. Am I like a grandpa that still says groovy, because I thought the phrase "I dig that" has not yet faded into obscurity. Anyone else want to weight in on this?
well, I have a NikMul weekend to look forward to, so it's like there is a little treasure waiting for me at the end of this week. exciting. also Four Brothers is playing at the theatre here and I'm going to go see it, Brent's got the hurty back though so I'm possibly going to scare up someone else to go with me. alright, I better start getting my stuff together for grammr. peace.